


In Which It's a Good Thing Coulson Isn't Steve (Or That Time Darcy Slapped Tony)

by weird_situation



Series: In Which Loki's Shenanigans Give Fury a Headache [5]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bodyswap, F/F, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-21
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 14:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy is caught up in Loki's tricks for the first time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which It's a Good Thing Coulson Isn't Steve (Or That Time Darcy Slapped Tony)

**Author's Note:**

> I've made a chart of who goes into whose body, just so it's a little easier to figure out.
> 
>  
> 
> Coulson > Tony
> 
> Tony > Clint
> 
> Clint > Darcy
> 
> Darcy > Thor
> 
> Thor > Natasha
> 
> Natasha > Steve
> 
> Steve > Bruce
> 
> Bruce > Coulson

“I have boobs again,” Clint complained, staring down at Darcy’s (currently his) chest. “Why do I always have boobs?”  
  
“Maybe the world is trying to tell you something,” snapped Darcy. She folded her arms across her chest, Thor’s chest, what the fuck ever, and glared at her body. “Besides. Anyone would be grateful to have access to my boobs. And I swear, if you go and get my nipples pierced I will kill you. Slowly. Painfully. Using a spoon.”  
  
Steve looked confused. It was adorable on Bruce’s face. “Why would you want to pierce your nipples?”  
  
“Oh god. Captain America said nipples.” Tony covered his ears.  “Lalala I can’t hear you.” He did a little wriggling dance that drew everyone’s eyes to Clint’s ass.

  
“Wow, my ass is magic,” Clint breathed out as Tony continued to dance in his body. Natasha backhanded Clint’s arm, causing the man to yelp as Natasha had super soldier strength and hadn’t thought to hold back.  
  
“Seriously? You finally leave a mark on my body and A) I’m not even in it, 2) you’re not in your body, and 3) it wasn’t during sexytimes. I hate my life.” Darcy threw her hands up.  
  
Tony stopped dancing and stared at Darcy. “You do realize you said A and then-”  
  
He shut up at Darcy’s growl. It was much more threatening coming from Thor’s body than hers (much to Darcy’s ire.).  
  
“The next person to piss me off will get the wrath of Mew-mew.”  
  
Thor, who was in Natasha’s body, just sighed and mumbled “Mjolnir” in a defeated tone. Then he perked up. “Can you lift Mjolnir now?”  
  
Frowning, Darcy walked over to the hammer that was lying in the middle of the kitchen and reached down to grasp the handle and pull.  
  
It didn’t budge.  
  
Thor bounded over, practically skipping (which was terrifying to see Natasha’s body doing), and lifted Mjolnir with ease.  
  
“It is a good day still, my friends.” He beamed at everyone in the kitchen.  
  
Coulson sighed and rubbed the arc reactor in his chest. Tony frowned at the movement, but didn’t say anything.  
  
“We need to call SHIELD.” Ignoring the protests from some of the team, Coulson dialed Fury’s private line. “Sir, there’s been a...situation.”  
  
“Stark?” Fury barked out, sounding confused.  
  
Rolling his eyes Coulson said, “It’s Coulson, sir. There’s been another incident with Loki.”  
  
Fury muttered something that sounded a lot like “fucking Loki” before telling Coulson to get everyone affected over to medical for a checkup.  
  
*  
  
“Can I shave?” Darcy asked, stroking Thor’s, her?, beard.  
  
“I would rather you not.”  
  
“I keep dripping pudding in there though. And it’s chocolate pudding, so it doesn’t even blend in, which means I have to constantly check a mirror when I eat and while you’re an attractive dude and all, I miss my face.”  
  
Thor gathered Darcy to his chest and stroked her hair while she sniffled.  
  
“And the worst part is, my girlfriend’s body is comforting me, but it’s not my girlfriend in there and I want Natasha cuddles, not Thor in Natasha’s body cuddles.”  
  
Natasha and Steve entered the room and Natasha quietly went over and pulled Darcy out of Thor’s arms.  
  
“Shush, everything will be back to normal soon,” Natasha murmured in Darcy’s ear.  
  
“Is this strange for you as well?” asked Thor in a low voice, as he watched his and Steve’s bodies clinging to each other.  
  
“Most definitely,” Steve said.  
  
“Why are blond and blonder cuddle buddies?” Tony asked as soon as he came into the room. “Wait. Sorry. Forget that. It’s not them. You’d think I’d remember better considering I have arms like tree trunks now.”  
  
“You also grew several inches, I think that’d be more jarring,” Clint said, joining the others, Bruce and Coulson following in after.  
  
“I am not short.” Tony shook a finger in Clint’s direction.  
  
“Shorter than me.”  
  
“Not at the moment,” said Tony, deliberately tilting his head downwards to look at Clint. “Even with those totally bitchin’ boots-” and Darcy’s bright red boots that Clint couldn’t resist wearing were bitchin’ - “I am still taller than you.”  
  
“As thrilling as this conversation is, I think we should probably figure out our plan of attack,” Coulson cut off Clint before he could respond.  
  
“Uh, sit at home and wait for the transformation to reverse itself? As always...” Bruce mumbled into his coffee. He wondered if the Hulk came with him to Coulson’s body or if Steve was the one stuck with him.  
  
They should probably figure that out.  
  
“Your enthusiasm inspires me,” Tony said. “No, really, I want to go out and rescue babies and kiss puppies.”  
  
“I think you mean rescue puppies and kiss babies,” said Darcy, still resting her head on Natasha’s shoulder.  
  
“No. I meant what I said. Why would I want to kiss babies? Puppies are much cuter.”  
  
“Sometimes I think he hits his head way too much when he’s working on shit.” Clint privately agreed with him though; babies were loud and smelly and terrifying. Puppies were precious.  
  
“Anyway,” Tony said with an eyeroll in Clint’s direction (and how weird was it seeing his body rolling his eyes at him? Clint didn’t like it.), “I think we should go back to the tower now. As delightful as the helicarrier is, I am bored and I need ways of entertaining myself.” Tony wasn’t really bored, but he knew Darcy was about to explode, and while she was still in Thor’s body that wouldn’t end well for anyone.  
  
Natasha gave Tony a small smile; of course she’d know what he was doing.  
  
*  
  
“So what you’re saying is that you don’t know who’s dealing with the Hulk right now?” asked Clint, idly picking at his nails with a knife. Darcy watched him closely, not trusting him to not cut off one of her fingers on accident.  
  
“That would be what ‘I’m not sure I have the Hulk with me anymore’ indicates, yes.”   
  
Tony blinked at the sheer amount of sass that Bruce could inflect with Coulson’s voice.  
  
“Well, it’s easy enough to test, isn’t it?” Steve said. “Just shut us up in reinforced rooms and, I don’t know, punch us or something to figure out who Hulks out?”  
  
“I vote tasering,” Darcy called out.  
  
“I would rather not have my body bruised or broken in any way,” Coulson said mildly, filling out paperwork. Tony glared at the sight of his body signing off on incident reports. He was going to get back to his body and there would be hives because Tony was allergic to paperwork; he had a doctor’s note and everything (admittedly the doctor was Bruce and Tony had forged his signature. But still.).  
  
“A little electric shock never hurt anyone,” Darcy muttered not so quietly. It seemed Thor’s booming wasn’t entirely due to his personality.  
  
Natasha stroked Darcy’s hair and Clint grinned at the sight (Natasha and Darcy being couple-y in their own bodies: normal. Natasha and Darcy being couple-y in Steve and Thor’s bodies: priceless.).  
  
“Steve is right, though, we need to see which body the Hulk is in,” said Coulson.  
  
Darcy perked up. “I’ll go grab my taser!”  
  
*  
  
Turned out the Hulk wasn’t in Coulson’s body with Bruce or in Bruce’s body.  
  
The others were understandably concerned.  
  
*  
  
“What I don’t get,” said Clint through a mouthful of half chewed Lucky Charms, “is how the Hulk could be in someone else’s body and not have freaked out yet.” He slurped milk from the bowl loudly.  
  
Coulson handed Clint a napkin and refused to react when Clint fluttered his eyelashes and sighed dreamily, Darcy’s chest heaving.  
  
“I’m right here, fuckface. Stop trying to get my boss to look at my tits.” Darcy flicked Clint in the ear.  
  
“Ow! And for your information, I’m trying to get my boyfriend to look at boobs that currently belong to me.” Clint stuck his tongue out and ducked quickly as Darcy started to swing her fist in his direction. “I would like to remind you that you are in Thor’s body, with Thor’s strength, and I am in your body and you wouldn’t want to come back to a broken body, would you?”  
  
Darcy paused. Clint smirked at her, however the smirk quickly fell off his face when she pinched him.  
  
“Mother fucker !”  
  
“Language,” chided Coulson, not looking up from his crossword puzzle.  
  
“Shit.” Darcy’s eyes widened as Clint started turning green.   
  
“Coulson? Wanna talk your boyfriend out of becoming the jolly green giant?” Tony said, eyeing Clint warily.  
  
Looking up sharply, Coulson’s eyes widened when he saw his boyfriend who was trapped in Darcy’s body turning into the Hulk who should be in Bruce’s body. He had no doubt this was all payback for not staying dead when Loki killed him.  
  
“Clint?” Coulson stood up and placed a hand on Clint’s arm. “I need you to calm down. Look at me, alright?” Coulson grabbed Clint’s head and held their foreheads together. “I know I don’t look like me right now-” Tony coughed at the understatement “-but I need you to stay you; no hulking out, no matter how much you like him.”  
  
Clint huffed out a little laugh and the green started to recede. Coulson pressed a quick kiss to Clint’s lips.  
  
There was a flash of light and then shrieks all around.  
  
“Oh my god. Ew. Ew!” Darcy yelled, slapping Tony across the face. She rubbed furiously at her lips (that were thankfully her own, even if they had been recently attached to Tony’s.) before finding Natasha and dragging her off to their bedroom.  
  
“I didn’t kiss you! Coulson kissed Clint!” Tony threw his hands up in the air and walked over to where Steve and Thor were watching the chaos with grins on their faces.  
  
Tony pulled Steve’s head down for a kiss, desperately trying to remove the taste of Darcy’s mouth (Clint had had a little too much fun with her makeup and had been wearing strawberry flavored lip gloss). Steve just grinned when he pulled back.  
  
Bruce was sitting at the table, drinking his tea and filling in the crossword puzzle that Coulson had abandoned in order to play Hulk wrangler.  
  
Coulson was on the phone with Fury, trying to avoid making it sound like a kiss had broken the spell.   
  
If Fury’s laugh was any indication, he’d failed at that task.


End file.
